Warning: Not for the squeamish.
A Struggle.
I went to the hospital to be induced at noon. I was given a drug to thin and dialate my cervix. An hour later, I was given pitocin, to induce contractions. An hour after that, my New Best Friend, the anesthesiologist, came with my epidural (I knew from day one that I wanted drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.). At 5:30, my midwife broke my water. At 6:30 the NEXT morning, I was still at 7 cm. MaryJo (my midwife) told me that at the rate I was going, I'd have three to four more hours of labor, and then a couple hours of hard pushing, at the rate I was going. Maddy's heart was starting to flat-line, and they were starting to get concerned with getting her out. MaryJo asked me if I wanted to continue, or if I wanted to go with a c-section. I looked at her and said "How many babies have I delivered?" "None," she said. "Right. How many babies have YOU delivered?" I asked. "Maybe a thousand. I've been doing this a long time." was her answer. "Okay," I said "Then what do YOU think we should do?" "I'll go call the surgeon" she said, and left the room. At 7:45 the surgeon was there and the OR was prepped. In we went. I was told that I could only have one coach in the operating suite with me. I had my mom, and Jake. I told them that they had to pick, because I wasn't fighting that battle. Jake took one look at me and said to my mother "You go. I prepared myself to watch her give birth. I didn't prepare myself to watch her get cut open." So off mom and I went. Dr Raheb made the first incision, and my mother was allowed to come in. Maddy had apparently moved her bowels between 6:30 when I was last checked, and 7:45 when I was wheeled into the OR, because when Dr Raheb made the first incision into my uterus, meconium spilled out into my stomach cavity. They worked at a feverish pace to get her out, and I remember MaryJo heaving her body onto my chest, and feeling a hard "pop", and then she was out. Nobody told me that c-sectioned babies (especially ones with meconium in the amniotic fluid) don't cry right away. I didn't get to see her. They whisked her straight into the NICU, and worked on getting her cleaned up. I didn't get to hear her cry, so I didn't even know if she was alive. My worst fears, and memories of Gabe were flooding through my mind. The Dr and nurses were sponging out my uterus, removing the placenta, stitching me up, and lifting out my organs so that they could pack me full of gauze, to clean up all the meconium that had spilled out when he cut into me. Somewhere in the midst of this process, my epidural wore off completely. The anesthesiologist was trying everything, but nothing he was giving me was helping. I could feel everything. I started to go into shock. My eyes rolled back into my head, and the last thing I remember is my mother, crying and screaming "My baby! Help my baby!" I woke up in my room five hours later, and for weeks, nobody would tell me what had happened. I wasn't allowed to touch Maddy until 8 pm that night. She was born at 8:02 am, just like me. All I was allowed to touch was her foot, because she was in an oxygen hood. I couldn't pick her up and hold her until the next day. I was barely allowed to carry her for the first three weeks of her life. My incision was very sore, and got infected, and re-opened. I couldn't climb stairs, couldn't shower without help, and Maddy wouldn't breastfeed. It was a hellish month, that's for sure
Adjusting
At this point, we were living with my parents. They had asked us to move in with them in November, to help with my grandmother. Jake and I spent over $1000 converting a small room in the basement (I mean, from exposed beams and no drywall or electricity) into a nursery for Maddy. I did most of the drywall hanging, painting, wiring, carpet laying, and decorating. One thing I *didn't* do is put in the ceiling. Slowly, I transitioned into life as a mother. Specifically life as a mother, living in the same house as MY mother. Every morning, I'd wake up, and Maddy wouldn't be in her crib. I'd find her either in bed with my mother, or upstairs in my mother's arms. My mother fed her breakfast every morning, and snuck into her room every night to watch her sleep. I'm completely serious about that last part. My mother has night-vision video recordings of Maddy asleep in her crib. Finally we fell into a routine, but my mother was unhappy with Jake's contributions to the household. We paid $100 a week in rent, plus $65 a week in storage fees for all of our belongings (which was more than our rent payment was before we moved in with them). My mother demanded to know where we were going and when we'd be back every time we left. She complained to me about Jake all the time, and was ruining our marriage. Finally, Jake got tired of it, and left. I didn't see him for two days. On the third day, he came back to talk to me.
Moving
He said that he'd been staying with his parents, and that since rent prices had skyrocketed in the time that we'd been with my parents (nearly a year), we couldn't afford a place of our own at that point. He had talked it over with his parents who had two spare rooms. He asked me to come and live with him there, and put our marriage back together. I agreed, because I thought that our marriage deserved a second chance; especially now that we had Maddy to think about. His parents wouldn't accept any rent, and never asked where we were/went/etc. They doted on Maddy, and my father-in-law rocked her to sleep every night. He gave her her first solid food (pizza crust). Things were going well, but I was a bit uneasy. I felt like I was free-loading, and didn't know how to address it. It would be a long time before I was able to do so. My father-in-law and I have always had a slightly tenuous relationship, and have butted heads more than once. He has accused me of being selfish before. Another time, he accused me of cheating on Jake, simply because I had male friends who I hung out with without Jake around. A couple months went by, and his parents said "So, when are you having another baby?" I said "There's no room here for another baby!" (In reality, Jake and I had been fighting about having another since Maddy was three months old. He wanted another, and I did not.) "There's ALWAYS room for more babies!" said the in-laws. From then on, Jake was relentless. Always talking about another baby, and when would we have another baby, and another baby would be great, etc. Finally, I gave in, and Laura was concieved on Maddy's first birthday.
Next: Another Pregnancy, A Long Time Coming, and An Attempt
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