Part 4- A Surprise, A Sadness, A Salvation.

Warning: difficult issues arise in this installment of our story.

A Surprise
We got back from the honeymoon, and I wasn't feeling all that well. After a few days, i had an inkling of why that could be, and took a home pregnancy test. I didn't even have my pants buttoned yet, when the little plus sign showed up. Jake was at work when I took the test, and I was beside myself with waiting to tell him about it! He got home, and I couldn't even speak. I just showed him the test. We both jumped up and down, and screamed, and smiled, and laughed, and shook. We were elated, to say the least. We both knew that we had wanted a baby right away, but didn't realize how quickly our dream would come true! We felt very blessed. The next morning, I called my doctor, and made an appointment to go in. At that appointment, they did blood work, and urine testing, and took history, etc. We also had an ultrasound, to make sure there was a baby in there, and it wasn't a false positive. I had never been so happy to see a little squiggly blur on a black and white screen before. We were able to see the heartbeat, and were given a photo to take home. I was told that I was 6 weeks and 6 days along. We went home, and went to my mother's house to tell my parents about it. My father, upon finding out how far along I was, went to the calendar and counted backwards. "That's December 11! You didn't get married until the 14th!" I had to explain to him that the pregnancy counting starts on the first day of your last period, NOT at conception. (Yes, I had my period at my wedding. Talk about timing). He counted forward then, and got embarrassed, because his finger landed on Christmas Day. hahaha. Needless to say, we were thrilled, and I started reading baby books, and we were talking about baby names, and we moved into a two bedroom apartment, and traded in our pickup for a car. Then, one day I went shopping with my mother, and got sick in the bathroom at Michael's in Warwick, RI.

A Sadness
It wasn't morning sickness. It was something different. I just felt "wrong". I don't know how else to describe it. My mother said "You're probably just getting the flu or something, but maybe you should call your doctor just to be sure. They can put your mind at ease." So, I called the doctor, who had me come in later that day. She put me on the ultrasound machine (I was 10 and a half weeks along at this point). She couldn't find the heartbeat. She said "It could be the machine. Sometimes it does this. We're going to take some blood, to see what your levels are. I want you to come back tomorrow morning, and we'll use the other ultrasound machine, and take more blood levels. But I've been doing this a long time, honey. I know what I'm seeing. I'm so very sorry, but you've lost the baby." She measured it, and it had stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days. So I had been walking around for almost two weeks, thinking everything was fine, when in fact, everything was about as far from fine as a thing can be. She left us then to talk, and told us to take as much time as we needed. I think I cried for a half hour before I was able to control myself enough to get from the office to the car. And then, I cried the whole way from the hospital to my mother's house. I composed myself, walked into my mother's house, and into the kitchen, and she said "So? Everything okay?" and I lost it. I couldn't form words. I collapsed to the floor, and just sobbed. Sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. At some point, she picked me up off the kitchen floor, and moved me to the couch. Jake explained everything, and I basically went catatonic. I got off the couch to go to the doctor's the next day, where there was still no heartbeat. Back to my mother's couch I went. I got off the couch to talk to my doctor on the phone when she called me from her home that night to let me know that my hcg levels were dropping, which was further proof that my baby was gone. Back to the couch. I got off the couch on Monday to go to the doctor to discuss my options. It was decided that since the baby had been gone for 2 1/2 weeks, and had yet to dispell itself, that it would be prudent to perform a D&C. Back to the couch. I left the couch to go to the hospital for the procedure, on the day when I would have been 12 weeks exactly. Three weeks I had to walk around with my baby there, and yet gone. That was Feb. 26th. Most years, I can't get out of bed on the 26th of Feb. And the years that I do get out of bed, it's a very bad day. Sept. 19th is a very hard day also. That was my due date. I spent two weeks on my mother's couch, completely blocking out the rest of the world. After two weeks, she forced me back into my life. It was difficult, but with time I was able to make peace and move on. We named the baby. Gabriel Michael. After the archangels. We feel that he's watching over us. His ultrasound photo hangs in the girls' room. They don't even realize it's there, I don't think. But I do. That's my childrens' room, and he belongs there.

A Salvation.

After the D&C, I was told to wait a while to have intercourse, as if I had delivered a baby (because let's face it. I did.) I couldn't stand the idea of it for a while. Finally, in April, Jake and I talked, and I decided that I was ready to try again. (This part may be TMI, lol) Our very first time, we concieved Maddyson. This time, it was very different. I had ultrasounds at almost every appointment. I didn't tell ANYONE, not even my own mother, until I was in my second trimester. And even then, I told almost no one. I did everything differently. It may not be rational, but hell... it kept me sane. With Gabe I took my prenatals. With Maddy, I refused. With Gabe, I drank tons of fortified juices. With Maddy, I drank soda. I did everything by the book with Gabe, and he was taken from me, so with Maddy, I kind of rebelled a bit. I didn't relax at all until I felt her start moving. That didn't reassure Jake at all, because any time his skin came in contact with mine, she would stop moving. She wanted nothing to do with him. It was the strangest thing! LOL I didn't really start showing until my 7th or 8th month. It was as if she'd laid across my spine the whole time. Then, one night, in my sleep, she shifted. All of a sudden, I was all baby, as if someone had shoved a basketball up my shirt, LOL. So, then the cat was out of the bag. That was right before Thanksgiving, and we were spending Thanksgiving with Jake's family that year. I had told his parents, but asked that they not tell anyone. Well, we got to dinner, and I obviously had some explaining to do, lol. Everyone turned and stared at me when I walked in. I looked around, and said "Um... Surprise?" Hahaha. The men all turned back to the football game, and the women all oohed and ahhed. I gained 75 lbs with my pregnansy with Maddy, and my stomach looks like a road map, because of that night when she turned in my sleep (I wouldn't have had nearly so many stretch marks if she had allowed my skin to expand slowly) She was due on Jan. 21, and a week later, they induced me.

Next, A Struggle, Adjusting, and Moving.